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Aromatherapists ‘winning the war’ on limb replacement treatment

The National Organisation of Aromatherapists today claimed that they had made a significant breakthrough in the use of essential oils in the reattachment of severed limbs. Angela ‘Moonbeam’ Moffatt, a...

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Incompetent Doctors will have to be ‘really, really sorry’ and mean it in future

Doctors who kill patients because they’re really not very good at being Doctors will, in future, be required to make proper apologies and not have their fingers crossed when they do it. The BMA have...

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Love doctors ‘working longer hours than ever’

The NHS has come under fire after a Panorama programme showed that it is ‘systematically failing’ lovesick Britons by cutting the number of ‘leurve’ doctors trained to deliver emotional and erotic...

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Challenging day for Dr Christian as his mum appears on Embarrassing Bodies

The silky consulting skills of the normally unflappable Dr Christian Jessen were tested to their fullest today as his mother surprised him by guesting on his no-holds-barred medical show, Embarrassing...

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Doctor’s receptionists now better qualified than doctors, says NHS

Receptionists in most doctor’s surgery’s are better qualified than the medical staff they support, says a recent NHS report. ‘It can be embarrassing at times,’ said one patient, ‘having to remove my...

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Waiting times to assault NHS staff ‘have tripled’, finds study

The latest report on the performance of the NHS has found a familiar but depressing picture of Accident and Emergency rooms full of people who have waited up to three hours to launch an unprovoked...

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‘A&E targets could be met if we stopped treating patients,’ doctors say

‘We’ve made fantastic progress,’ said a senior A&E consultant, referring to the news that the NHS was missing fewer targets than in November. ‘First we started locking the doors, then we gave...

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Cameron ‘not well enough’ to lose election

Doctors have declared that the Prime Minister must be allowed to continue in power on medical grounds. After carefully studying David Cameron’s low poll ratings, medical experts quickly diagnosed...

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Female libido pill to replace Harry Styles

Sprout Pharmaceuticals have released a new drug, Flibanserin, which is said to be guaranteed to have the same impact on the female sex drive as sitting on Russell Brand’s knee. No longer will women...

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Optician reprimanded for performing ‘insufficiently weird’ eye examination

A Surrey optician has been rebuked and warned as to his future conduct after he performed an eye examination described as ‘Not in the least bit odd or creepy and thus failing to meet the rigorous...

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Jeremy Hunt back at negotiating table with suspicious stomach ache

Health Minister Jeremy Hunt has urged negotiators to immediately get back around the table as he had a set of brand new concessions and terrible abdominal pains. ‘I have a new set of proposals that I...

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NHS ‘could go bankrupt’ as patients threaten car parking strike

The government has warned that the NHS will be irreparably damaged and ‘may collapse completely’ if patients go ahead with their threatened 5-day car-parking strike. ‘This response to being screwed...

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Challenging day for Dr Christian as his mum appears on Embarrassing Bodies

The silky consulting skills of the normally unflappable Dr Christian Jessen were tested to their fullest today as his mother surprised him by guesting on his no-holds-barred medical show, Embarrassing...

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UK to be self-sufficient in doctors’ receptionists by 2025

Jeremy Hunt has announced 1500 new places for grumpy, obstructive middle-aged women to be trained as doctors’ receptionists.  Hunt continued: ‘It’s key to our strategy of making everything worse that...

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GP receptionists demand full control of NHS

GP receptionists have insisted that they be given full control over all aspects of NHS finances and public health policy, it has emerged. Under the plans, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt will be made...

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Britain braces itself for post-Brexit wave of scrounging ex-pats

Fears are growing that Britain may be swamped by a ‘grey wave’ of elderly migrants returning once European healthcare accords are abolished when Britain leaves the EU. About 75% of Britons settled in...

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Delusional fabrication linked to lower rate of heart disease

After studying the anonymous records of over 10,000 GP patients the General Medical Council has concluded that those who lie most blatantly about their drinking habits are less likely to suffer from...

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‘Brief’ MASH remake to be set on ship off Korea

A remake of the hit TV series MASH is to be set upon a US navy supercarrier anchored off the Korean peninsula. Executive producer Harry Winter said that the story will feature the exploits of a group...

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Vital emergency service workers ‘not actually that vital’

The government has defended the Commons’ vote against ending austerity for public sector workers, including the emergency services, in a ‘clarification statement’ that concluded that these workers were...

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NHS to start publishing surgeons’ golf handicaps

Vascular surgeons are to become the first to have their golfing performance data published by the NHS, including information on their handicaps, driving distance, putting accuracy and average bar...

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